Chain: Hold or leave it

 

My Father and Mother knew each other since they were child. They were best of friends; they both knew each other’s family. Papa was secretly in love with Mama. When Mama left to marry someone in 455 miles away from where Papa was, my Father flew to stop the marriage and told Mama of his love for her. They secretly got married instead. Papa went back to their hometown, Mama stayed since she has her business on where they got married. Mama helped Papa to finish college. After College they reunited again.  

However, my Father’s family never liked my Mother. They don’t like her for their son and their brother. Growing up I saw how they emotionally hurt, scolded, blamed and degraded Mama. As a kid, I never understood how it feels like to always try to earn someone’s trust and see your worth from them. When we got older, Mama eventually got tired. Worst, when Papa died Mama does not want any more connection with them. However, she still shows respect to them in whichever way she can. Adore and pity her at the same time. 

I witnessed how hard it was to please family in laws through my Mother’s experience. Life will never have peace at all. I made a promise to myself that I will never settle with a man that has a family who’s hard to deal with and once the family does not accept me, even if it is hard I will depart from the man I love. I don’t want to put myself in infinite turmoil just because the family of the man I love could not even see my worth as a person and even the love I have for their child. I don’t want to continue the chain my Mother started.

Sadly, I fell in love with a man whose family does not like my nationality and I am not sure if I ever going to have peace in life knowing that they don’t like me for their child. It is hard to let go since I have already invested my time and lots of emotion for their child. I picked him up from the mud of his past. I gave him hope that not every woman will only want to abuse his kindness and love. Every day of my life with this man, it never gets out my mind to just leave as I have always planned to do since I was young; I just never thought it would be this hard.

I have never met his parents yet because we are 7,170 miles away. I always ask myself, “is it worth going there and showing myself to know if they would like me or not? What if they won’t? What will happen to me? I’ll find myself walking away just because they don’t like my nationality because of someone of my own kind caused them pain and trauma? Is it worth the risk, time and possible pain? Or should I save myself from all of it and leave now this relationship I put myself into?”

While writing this, it just made me realize how stupid I am. They were right, “You can make stupid decisions for love.” I hate that I fell in love not to the wrong person. If I just fell to the wrong person, leaving is just a piece of cake.  I also realized that, "Many could be the right person based on what we feel, but not everything that comes with him." I’d like to be a lot younger again who was firm on my standards, convictions, promises and decisions on how I always want it to be. This love is keeping me weak. In due time, I will know what to do. In due time, I’ll get all the consequences of this and in due time, I will put myself back as strong, independent and maybe alone again. So, help me God!