Forgotten Hopes and Dreams

Growing up, I had a vision and a list of all the qualities I wanted in the man I would eventually end up with. Now that I’m older, I sadly don’t know what happened to those dreams. As a strong and independent woman with a nursing degree and a stable career that provides an above-average salary, I believed I should have high standards when choosing a partner. That is what I believed, and what the community around me also encouraged me to believe.

I met a man online who gave me attention and consistency. For four years, I doubted myself because he kept me a secret from his family and friends, while my own family knew about him. He lived in the USA, while I lived in the Philippines. He had previously fallen in love with someone from the Philippines who turned out to be a scammer. His money was taken from him, leaving him sick, emotionally wounded, and carrying a lot of baggage.

I tried to leave several times. At one point, he broke up with me, and I actually felt relieved. Then tragedy struck our family when my father suffered an aneurysm. He reached out to me, and I responded. He offered help, and although hesitant, I accepted it. He started messaging me again, and I slowly began to feel safe with him once more. Eventually, we got back together. I told my family, and they supported my decision.

As the years passed, I started feeling that our long-distance relationship was going nowhere. I broke up with him several times, but he would always chase after me with flowery words and promises. I was too soft-hearted and kept falling for them. Marriage eventually became part of our discussions. After four years, he came to the Philippines, and we got married.

Days, months, and now a year into the marriage, I keep going back to the list I made when I was younger about the qualities I wanted in a man. He simply does not fit them. Regret creeps into my mind and keeps me awake at night.

I often wonder what it would feel like to have a man who could join me in my silliness and adventures in life. He does not have the financial means to enjoy life, nor the energy to do so. When we traveled together to Hong Kong, I ended up exploring the city alone while he stayed in the hotel sleeping because he was sick. I had booked a ferry trip to Macau for the next day, but I had to cancel it and cry alone because my choices were either to go by myself or stay behind in the hotel with a sick husband. Being with a man who is both financially struggling and physically unwell makes me feel like the life I once dreamed of may never happen.

I always wanted someone who would passionately desire me and long for intimacy with me. Instead, I found myself with a man who has very little energy and libido. Sometimes I feel jealous when I see other couples enjoying intimacy and building families together, while I am left buying adult toys just to cope with my loneliness. I no longer ask him for intimacy because repeated rejection has slowly destroyed the little confidence I have left. I have also begun giving up on the idea of having children because of my age, the distance between us, and the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Also, I think he is not financially ready to raise a children. 

I used to be the provider for my family, and it seems I will continue to be until the day I die. My husband is still in his own country, struggling to support himself medically and financially. He rarely helps me financially, which I understand, though I also recognize that I willingly chose this life. I grew up as the breadwinner of my family, and it feels like I will remain the breadwinner in my future family as well, especially since my career will likely always provide a higher income than his. I suppose becoming a housewife will remain just a dream.

I always wished for a sweet man who would take photos of me so we could preserve memories together. Instead, I ended up with someone who does not know how to take good photos or videos, whether during trips or even during simple moments at home. This deeply saddens me because I am such a sentimental person who treasures memories, whether good or bad. I wanted to see myself through my husband’s eyes, but it feels like that is something I will continue wishing for until my last breath.

I also dreamed of having a man who would help me grow closer to Christ and enjoy learning God’s Word together. Unfortunately, I married someone who is not close to Jesus. He rarely attends church or reads the Bible. Sometimes, he even encourages me to do things I have tried to avoid as a Christian woman. It feels wrong, yet part of me enjoys those moments, even though I wish I had resisted them.

How do I escape this? Sometimes, I think about saving enough money to nullify our marriage because I believe I might eventually be able to afford it and reclaim my life. I dream about starting over and finding the kind of man I once promised my younger self I would have. I feel like I failed the younger version of myself. I wish I could turn back time and pursue the life I believed I deserved. I still believe I am capable of more. I still believe there may be someone out there who can give me the life I long for.

Forgive me, but sometimes I even blame God for all of this. I have cried and prayed countless times, asking for a way out of this misery. I do not know what God is doing in my life or why I feel so trapped. If I could turn back time, would I choose a different path? Or would my dreams and hopes still end up forgotten?