What if?

I don't know how to start 
Words are scribbled into my mind
Things I'd like to speak, I can't catch
But I'd like you to know that I am scared; 
Scared of the thoughts of making wrong decisions
Decision that I perceive is right 

Is this what God wants? 
Is this the person God intends for me?
Is this the life God plans for me? 
What if not? What if I am wrong? 
What if I am being biased? 

God wants for me a man that can lead our children to Him, 
More often, it feels like my man does not spend much time with God 
God wants for me a man that can make me feel I am worth all the risk, fears and worries
Forgive me, but it feels like my man is still unsure of me sometimes
God wants for me a man that I can serve Him with 
Pardon me, I have never heard my man said to be in service with the Lord 
God wants for me a man that is sure of his salvation and will surely meet Jesus at the end of all
Excuse me, but my man seems like not sure of his salvation and is barely fascinated of the Word 

It frightens me of all my what ifs; 
What if I am being blinded and not able to see all the red flags?
What if I am being deceived of my own perception and things contradicts with my convictions yet I deny?
What if God isn't being the center of this relationship but ourselves?
What if all this time what I feel is all just a hoax? 

Nothing is more scarier than making wrong decision of choosing the partner that you'll spend the rest of your life with
I am sure of what I feel towards my man, but I am not sure of how he feels towards my Lord and my Savior
I am certain that he can be a great father to our kids, I am not certain if he can lead our kids towards Jesus 

Same as how I started this, I also don't know how to end 
My fear trembles me and my words are mumbling 
I pray that God will change my man to be the person He wants him to be
I also pray that God will give me clear instructions into this journey
If this is against Your Will Lord, then give me wisdom to discern Your plans for me
I yield into your Sovereignty



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