I Am Not Strong

Moment by moment I can't fathom how I am surviving the life of misery this year have brought me. Each day I am feeling exhausted of daily routines that can't see the end of turmoil. Hopes I am holding to are depleting and my hands are losing its grip. Every morning I ask the Lord, "Is this a dream? If it is, please wake me up because I am exhausted and might lose you soon." Several mornings have come and same questions are thrown, but I am still on the same situation I never wished I am. Where I am now is not the place I have never thought I will be. What I did and witnessed were the things I never imagined I can handle. How I live now is never what I have planned it to be. 

Living in a huge building where most of the people you see wear almost same style of clothing each day, colors were - white, green and blue. This place has too many rooms consist of dying individuals and existing but not totally living people. Most people on this building sleeps and sits on the same place - when you lay down your back screams for solid metal bed covered of used box from the grocery you purchased at the mall and when you sit down your butt yell for the same thing which both long for a soft and comfortable spot. When your joints hurt, you just have to change your position to save you from more pain. Stray cats aren't visitor on this place and cockroaches are resident of this building. I see cats and cockroaches get along with each other! 

Physically I am healthy and I am tremendously grateful for it, mentally and emotionally I am drowning from agony I don't know when will end. Everyone says, "I adore you for keeping up.", "You are so strong." and "Just keep holding unto Jesus." They don't know spiritually I am fading intermittently. Everyone who adores me are wrong about me. They should not! People who utters I am so strong, it is a false! Not me that is strong, it is Him - Jesus! 

My Source is Jesus. I can't keep up if its just me. I can't sustain myself if all the struggles are pouring and Jesus isn't around. Although, it is not always encouraging seeing everything that is going on, but when you are already in the situation you will have to pull everything that you can to keep yourself up. It was said in James 1:1-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I am holding into this verse, but sometimes I can't find the joy. Honestly, it is hard when you are going through the process, but if you think of the fruit of the test of your faith, you'll have the courage to go on again and will have the enthusiasm of finishing the race. 

I am not strong but I am faithful! 

I am limited, but Jesus is limitless.

I cannot control everything that is happening with my life right now, but Jesus can. I might get exhausted at times, but God sustains me in ways I am not sure of. I am sure God won't give me something that I cannot handle. I am not certain when this will end, but I am sure God knows. I just have to trust Him.