Life's Detours
Once upon a time, there was me - with a little dreamer’s heart wrote and imagined a life I wanted. I planned out everything, because they said when you planned out things it is mostly gonna work out just fine. In contrast, if you have no plan, you plan to fail. I might have a lot of dreams and plans stuck in my head when I was growing up, I don’t think I know how to put them all in action. Execution of things I have in my mind is what I am terrible at. I have written several bucket lists, I am not even close in completing any of them and I am not certain to achieve any of them.
I’ll start off with simple ones. I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree and everyone was expecting for me to work on the job I have studied for, I also expected for that to happen. Turns out, I had a different path to take. I worked in a job where there is no need for a Bachelor's Degree and went all the way to a position in the same company where college degree matters, but I am still not on the path that everyone expects me to be - not even on where I imagined myself. It’s the first failed plan. Believe me, I even told myself that I will never ever work in this industry when I was still studying in college.
Envy is the best word to describe and I try to hide myself whenever I see my old friends travel to other countries I have dreamt visiting. I listed the countries I wanted to visit before. And I seem to lose hope each day. I’d like to see the Northern Lights while stare at it and savor every moment of it. I wanted to visit Paris and experience the feeling of how romantic it is to be there. I’d like to go to Ontario, Canada to see Niagara Falls and just listen to the water pour out from that falls rapidly and freely. I’d like to feel the breeze of the wind when it passes through me. Tulips in Amsterdam, Netherlands is such a great place to indulge myself into if I can. I would love to smell the fragrance brought by the tulips if I can. I’d like to know what it smells like. Holy Land - yes! That can’t be out of my list. I’d like to see where everything started and the actual evidence of my faith! There are too many places I’d still like to visit at least before I turn 30 years old when I first had these lists. But now, I would say, I’d like to visit these wonderful places before I die. In addition to my list were Iceland, Australia, New York, Dubai, Maldives and Greece! I might die and still not be able to go to these places and that’s just how impossible these dreams are for me, I guess.
When I was a child, I imagined myself seeing a happy man in front of me in bed because I will be giving him a precious gift I have preserved and waited for the right time to come which is supposed to be a wedding day. I even promised to myself that I will only have one man in my life. However, I have not been careful. Hormones hit me so bad that I lost the supposed to be a precious gift to my future man. I have been a terrible keeper of my body and didn’t have the chance to value it until I finally went back to my senses. Yes, I am such a failure with almost everything and this is the worst I could say.
I saw how my family has grown and struggled, I’d like one someday too - a family that always won the battle of so called life. I told myself, by 23 years old I should already have my great job, own house and vehicle. Then, by 25 years old I should already have kids and enjoy a wonderful family. Planned myself to be an amazing mother for my kids. I forgot that I needed to have a partner for me to have a family of my own. I guess I am such a terrible life planner. Funny as it may sound but I am now beyond those age I have mentioned and I am still renting a place, just have a good job not great, rode a public transportation vehicle daily going to work and no boyfriend most of my life. Nothing seems right with all the goals I set for myself.
I still remember what I said about my plan for my life when we were in a retreat in college. I think that was a month before our graduation. In that retreat, we were told to set goals for ourselves and voice it out loud in our whole class. I told them right there that I’d like to learn at least five foreign languages and I don’t even know what are those languages I’d like to learn. I have also said that I’d like to either work in a nursing home where abandoned old people, abandoned kids and special needs kids will be the patient. I haven’t even been near any nursing homes for a while. None of those happened and that’s so terrible of me.
I always do it. I always take the path that’s not right for me. I don’t want to say that I am such a huge failure, I’d like to consider myself as a detour-ist. I always make U-turn in whichever aspects of my life. However, if I am to re-do my life, I’ll awfully do the same thing over again.
If I did not work on this company I am in right now, I would not be God’s servant.
If I have worked what I have studied for, I probably have not met the people I have now.
If I was not reckless when I was younger, I would have not been able to understand the other women in this world who underwent the same shame, regrets and guilt I went through.
If I had a family in the age I planned to, I would have not enjoyed my singleness and will surely appreciate having a family even more when I get my own at this age.
There is more to add on this list that tells me even if my life did not work out the way I planned it to, I am still grateful. Those unreachable dreams I listed during my childhood days, they are still very much alive in me but I am not allowing myself to consume me. If it is God’s will, it will surely be His will.
I’ll start off with simple ones. I graduated with a Bachelor's Degree and everyone was expecting for me to work on the job I have studied for, I also expected for that to happen. Turns out, I had a different path to take. I worked in a job where there is no need for a Bachelor's Degree and went all the way to a position in the same company where college degree matters, but I am still not on the path that everyone expects me to be - not even on where I imagined myself. It’s the first failed plan. Believe me, I even told myself that I will never ever work in this industry when I was still studying in college.
Envy is the best word to describe and I try to hide myself whenever I see my old friends travel to other countries I have dreamt visiting. I listed the countries I wanted to visit before. And I seem to lose hope each day. I’d like to see the Northern Lights while stare at it and savor every moment of it. I wanted to visit Paris and experience the feeling of how romantic it is to be there. I’d like to go to Ontario, Canada to see Niagara Falls and just listen to the water pour out from that falls rapidly and freely. I’d like to feel the breeze of the wind when it passes through me. Tulips in Amsterdam, Netherlands is such a great place to indulge myself into if I can. I would love to smell the fragrance brought by the tulips if I can. I’d like to know what it smells like. Holy Land - yes! That can’t be out of my list. I’d like to see where everything started and the actual evidence of my faith! There are too many places I’d still like to visit at least before I turn 30 years old when I first had these lists. But now, I would say, I’d like to visit these wonderful places before I die. In addition to my list were Iceland, Australia, New York, Dubai, Maldives and Greece! I might die and still not be able to go to these places and that’s just how impossible these dreams are for me, I guess.
When I was a child, I imagined myself seeing a happy man in front of me in bed because I will be giving him a precious gift I have preserved and waited for the right time to come which is supposed to be a wedding day. I even promised to myself that I will only have one man in my life. However, I have not been careful. Hormones hit me so bad that I lost the supposed to be a precious gift to my future man. I have been a terrible keeper of my body and didn’t have the chance to value it until I finally went back to my senses. Yes, I am such a failure with almost everything and this is the worst I could say.
I saw how my family has grown and struggled, I’d like one someday too - a family that always won the battle of so called life. I told myself, by 23 years old I should already have my great job, own house and vehicle. Then, by 25 years old I should already have kids and enjoy a wonderful family. Planned myself to be an amazing mother for my kids. I forgot that I needed to have a partner for me to have a family of my own. I guess I am such a terrible life planner. Funny as it may sound but I am now beyond those age I have mentioned and I am still renting a place, just have a good job not great, rode a public transportation vehicle daily going to work and no boyfriend most of my life. Nothing seems right with all the goals I set for myself.
I still remember what I said about my plan for my life when we were in a retreat in college. I think that was a month before our graduation. In that retreat, we were told to set goals for ourselves and voice it out loud in our whole class. I told them right there that I’d like to learn at least five foreign languages and I don’t even know what are those languages I’d like to learn. I have also said that I’d like to either work in a nursing home where abandoned old people, abandoned kids and special needs kids will be the patient. I haven’t even been near any nursing homes for a while. None of those happened and that’s so terrible of me.
I always do it. I always take the path that’s not right for me. I don’t want to say that I am such a huge failure, I’d like to consider myself as a detour-ist. I always make U-turn in whichever aspects of my life. However, if I am to re-do my life, I’ll awfully do the same thing over again.
If I did not work on this company I am in right now, I would not be God’s servant.
If I have worked what I have studied for, I probably have not met the people I have now.
If I was not reckless when I was younger, I would have not been able to understand the other women in this world who underwent the same shame, regrets and guilt I went through.
If I had a family in the age I planned to, I would have not enjoyed my singleness and will surely appreciate having a family even more when I get my own at this age.
There is more to add on this list that tells me even if my life did not work out the way I planned it to, I am still grateful. Those unreachable dreams I listed during my childhood days, they are still very much alive in me but I am not allowing myself to consume me. If it is God’s will, it will surely be His will.
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