Blinded Of The Missed Truths

Sorry, I didn’t know

I can’t remember of the time we first had memories together. The smiles from your cheeks that makes you look so radiant to see. It was one of the characteristics you had that makes me comfortable in approaching you. The laughter you have shared with me when we were throwing jest on each other. It made me feel like I have found a new loved one and added it on my list. The untold stories you have shared with me before that no one knows, when it was only the two of us against all odds together with some of our colleagues. You told me your sadness with such a gloomy face and restless eyes. It made me feel I am worthy of your trust and by you doing that, it made me give you my trust as well. Those were the moments we first assume we already have a relationship called friendship.

Time flies so fast as they always say. You had your own path and so did I. Things have suddenly changed. What happened to the words, “Hey! let us keep in touch, no matter what.”? They didn’t work out in the way we expected to. You have come a long way. You have struggled so many things in my absence that I wished I was there. I have seen your posts on different social media accounts you have and you look so happy, not knowing there is more than that. Real things that were happening in your life behind that grind on your pictures and lively video posts were kept unknown from me and most viewers.

I felt sorry for myself not knowing what you were going through for I have not exerted efforts to know how were you doing. Sorry I didn’t know you failed to pass the exam you asked me to pray for you for I didn’t do any follow up right after you asked me to pray for you or after you took the said exam. I didn’t know how you felt right after knowing the news. I should have known and told you that there could be a reason behind and a purpose on it. 

Sorry I didn’t know you got pregnant unexpectedly and not knowing what to do with your life. You used to tell me everything, but since we have loss our communication, you and I have lost the friendship we have built as well. However, I adore you for raising such a wonderful kid on your own and still letting me be a part of your baby’s God-parent. 

Sorry I didn’t know you have loss one of your family member. I didn’t know who goes with you in the hospital to take care your loved one and I didn’t know who you contact to when you want someone to talk to. When you loss one of your family member, I didn’t know how to make sure that despite of the distance we have I can still make you feel my presence. Prayers, contribution and a simple message that I am here for you is what I can only offer from a far. Tight hugs is what I actually want to bestow upon you, but I couldn’t. I present you my apology. 

Sorry for I didn’t know you broke up with your partner that you used to tell me hoping that he/she is the one. I’d like to say words of encouragement while you were howling and resting at my shoulder while your tears were falling on my shirt, but I couldn’t. I hope I knew you were struggling on that relationship you had, I must have said some piece of advise or just simply makes you feel your worth as a woman/man. 

Sorry, I didn’t know you were suffering from such a disease. I didn’t know your diagnosis for I did not bother to comprehend. For all I thought you were just taking a break from school/work, I did not know there is more to that. I wonder how you were coping up with such disease. I’d like to encourage you and lift you up, but I could not for I did not know how to start. 

Sorry I didn’t know you were going through a depression. I thought the posts I used to “like” on your timeline on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., were just nothing serious. I did not say a word of empowerment despite of how discouraging the statements you were posting. I did not know you just wanted someone to make you feel your worth again as a human being and I have no idea you were drowning from sadness. If I just knew I must have swam and rescued you from depth of loneliness. You must have been still alive today.

You have been through a lot and I just can’t help but feel bad for not knowing any of those. Because of the changes that strikes so fast that I cannot accompanied it flows. I have not tried reaching out to you and not trying to ask how have you been. Knowing your pain makes me feel so guilty for not doing anything. Sometimes I ask myself, “why can’t I send you a message?”, “why can’t I ask you?”, “what is stopping me from making you feel I still care for you?”, those questions only have one answer and it is the pride that poisons each friendship I do have. I’d like to throw up this pride, so that I can solely love and value people. Sorry for letting my pride ends the friendship we used to have. I just hope I knew everything you were going through for me to do what a friend should do... before everything else is too late. Sorry, I just didn’t know. 

Originally Posted on Facebook March 25, 2018